Each time we say yes when we mean no, we leak away our power.
By Eric Kaufmann
Me, a people pleaser? No way. I’m an independent-minded, self-determined leader — or so I believed for years — until a specific high-stakes strategy session with my team.
As Melissa rose to present her pitch, I already knew where she was going. I also knew I hated the idea and she’d been socializing it for two weeks. As she presented, I mentally prepared my rebuttal. But when she concluded, I looked at the pleased expressions of my team and instead of objecting, found myself nodding in agreement. Why? I was afraid of their disapproval.
That’s when I realized I was choosing acceptance over authenticity — I was people pleasing. Immediately my self-critic spoke up, I felt a bit of shame, and I sensed my team’s confusion.
At times throttling our passions or ideas is smart. But more often we contain ourselves to please someone or a group like I did — and I’m not alone. A 2022 YouGov poll showed that 49% of adults self-identify as people pleasers, and 92% reported that they engage in people-pleasing behaviors.
What People Pleasing Looks Like
People pleasing takes energy and feeds stress and burnout. It is inauthentic, limits our decision effectiveness, dilutes accountability, and squanders our power — all for fleeting validation. If you’re wondering what people pleasing looks like, here are classic behaviors:
- Going to great lengths to avoid conflict
- Putting other people’s needs first at the expense of your own
- Toning down a strong message for something more palatable
- Feeling that you can’t say no when someone asks for something
- Thinking you’re responsible for how other people feel
- Struggling to establish boundaries with others
- Apologizing or accepting fault when you aren’t to blame
- Mirroring the behavior of others in social situations to make them feel comfortable
- Having a hard time recognizing how you really feel about something
- Saying you agree with others, even when you don’t actually agree
One form of people pleasing is self-deprecation — reducing your value. That’s not the same as humility. If you reply to a compliment, “I couldn’t have won this project without Jane and Stan,” you are being humble. But if you reply, “I hardly know what I’m doing. Thank God for Jane and Stan saving the day,” you are self-deprecating. Humility is realistic, while self-deprecating is diminishing. You self-deprecate so that others don’t feel threatened and will be pleased with you.
Another form is going along to get along — in other words, preventing conflict by discounting your needs. If you say, “Sure Stan, I’m on board with the changes you’re proposing,” when you, in fact, disagree, you are going along to keep Stan happy. Unfortunately, by discounting your needs, you also siphon off your enthusiasm. If you don’t show who you are, voice your thoughts, or express your uniqueness, you can’t access your innate power. And when you’re not known and seen, you won’t be respected for your talents and strengths.
Then there’s overachieving, working your butt off to please people before they even ask. You over-deliver, sacrifice yourself, and work extra hard to prevent anyone being displeased. You bring so much value that they must be happy with you. Work, work, work, give, give, give, do the most you can, volunteer endlessly, and sacrifice your needs (and probably your family’s needs too).
Breaking the People-Pleasing Habit
What, then, is the opposite of people pleasing? Being an uncaring jerk? Of course not. It’s important to work well with your boss, peers, and direct reports. But throttling yourself back, tamping down your presence, and watering down what you have to are people-pleasing habits that dissipate your innate power. Power isn’t granted; power is claimed. To claim your power and stop people pleasing is to be authentic.
Start with self-awareness. My awareness kickstarted at that meeting. It grew as I noted my patterns — moments of hesitation and pinches of discomfort that drove me to prioritize others’ needs. I journaled and worked with a coach to get real about underlying fears that fed the behavior, and I confronted those beliefs with courage and loads of self-compassion.
We need courage to express more than just our conforming self. We need courage to share our convictions and creativity, especially in the awkwardness of opposition. We need courage to set and hold boundaries and to say no when appropriate. This is how we honor our needs and priorities and stop trading our authenticity for conformity.
When we’re ready, we can go further and embrace vulnerability. Paradoxically, our power lies not in invulnerable perfection, but in the willingness to show up as our imperfect, authentic selves. This also fosters genuine connections that support the all-important foundations of trust.
While people pleasing is a popular trope, I’m not advocating self-centered, to-hell-with-everyone anarchy. It’s imperative to collaborate and connect well with others. Be considerate. Be collaborative. But Don’t. Give. Away. Your. Power.
I implore you to take this journey with me as leaders who claim their power and lead with authenticity. The diminishing influence of people pleasing is clear — and costly. We can help liberate one another from the limitations of people pleasing and support each other as conscious leaders defined by self-awareness, self-acceptance, and service. We can live a new paradigm of leadership rooted in authenticity, empathy, and the unwavering conviction that true power comes from within.
