Equal Pay Day raises awareness of the gender pay gap and symbolizes how far into the year (3 months) a woman must work to earn what her male counterparts earned for doing THE SAME JOB in the previous year.

If you’re a woman you’re almost sure to be underpaid. The vast amount of pay equity research over the last decade consistently confirms that equally qualified women are paid anywhere from 4 to 44% less than men doing the same job. The average is 20% less.

What new research is uncovering is that opportunity inequality creates even more unfairness. The promotion pace of professional women is 33 to 50% slower than professional men. The pay gap is a direct result of bias. It is not because women do not work as hard or as long as men. It is not because they have children. It is not because they’re less committed to their careers. And it is definitely not because they’re less qualified. The reason women are paid less than men is primarily because they are women.

We know this because when the gender of candidates for higher paying jobs is unknown, women are twice as likely to be selected than if the recruiter can distinguish between men and women via their resume.

Last year the Columbia University School of Public Health released research showing that women were four times more likely to be depressed by work-related stress than males. But they also found out the cure to the depression was equal opportunity and equal pay. 

It’s true… what they discovered was that depression rates among working women who knew they had reached pay equality was no greater than males.  So it’s not that women are more emotionally fragile than men, rather, women are stressed by work when they’re not treated fairly.

So I have defined the problem.  But the solution may not be what you think it is.  Often women are told that they don’t get raises because they are not aggressive enough in asking for them. But simply asking for a raise is not likely to solve pay inequality. Research reveals that’s because when women advocate for themselves, it backfires. Women who ask for raises are frequently labeled as whiny, unrealistic or demanding. They may be labeled as difficult to manage, which becomes a career killer. So you might get a raise but lose the opportunity for the next promotion. Brain science actually gives us clues to the “SMART” approach to getting paid what you deserve.

Simply…Turn negotiation into collaboration.

Gender research confirms that most men are competitive, so negotiating with a man is a psychological contest. Most negotiators want to feel like they won the negotiation.  When I worked with Stephen Covey, we taught win-win negotiating as Habit 5 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Then for decades, I used the win-win principles to help clients negotiate high-stakes agreements with oppositional groups. What I consistently found is that most men wanted win-lose outcomes. For many people it isn’t enough for them to get what they want. They also enjoy the feeling of you getting less than what you want. It’s the primal competitive urge of domination. And many men are still driven by the psychological payoff of dominating women. For many men the last thing they want to feel is that they lost to a woman. So don’t try to negotiate for a higher salary. Instead, collaborate.

Collaboration occurs when people share a common goal and agree to solve common problem. One goal of every good employer is to have highly productive employees.  They may not care if employees are happy but they should care about creating conditions in which employees are committed to doing their best work. In human resource language this is called employee engagement, but it’s kind of a soft, squishy concept for male business leaders.  Generally, what I have found is that most leaders are interested in their employees being focused on producing results that matter.

Recently Bain and Company found there is a 300% productivity difference between a dissatisfied employee and an inspired employee. They also found the dissatisfaction with pay was a critical productivity killer. Very few people are productive when they feel exploited. People actually reduce their effort to achieve psychological fairness when they feel their efforts are not being fairly rewarded.

When I am coaching women to create a collaborative, problem-solving discussion these are the SIX STEPS I TEACH THEM TO HELP GET A PROMOTION OR RAISE:

1. Use a salary estimator such as Glassdoor or Know Your Worth to give you hard data on what your job should pay. That is your target.
2. If possible, start applying for better jobs with equal or better employers. When you have alternatives, you increase your psychological power.
3. Calculate the business value of your position. What is the value you really create for your employer?  Can you estimate the positive financial impact of your productivity in either saving money or driving growth?
4. Confirm that you are capable of and committed to making an even bigger impact on your team or organization. Advocate for yourself so you can do more for the company.
5. Share success stories of situations in the past year in which your contribution made a big difference and emphasize that you would like to do more.
6. Ask for an increase in quality-of-life compensation such as flex time, telecommuting, less travel, or a childcare allowance IN ADDITION to a higher wage.

That’s it. The SIX STEPS TO COLLABORATING A RAISE OR PROMOTION.

As I mentioned earlier, most men hate to lose but many men love being “knights in shining armor.” This primal drive doesn’t require you to become a damsel in distress.  Rather, it gives you an opportunity to present practical problems that giving you raise or a bonus might solve.  For instance, if you are saddled with student debt or have a change of circumstance in which you need more extensive childcare you can establish a problem-solving discussion by making the solution the key to unlocking greater productivity and contribution to the enterprise.A successful, bright woman I recently coached was able to DOUBLE her sign-on bonus because she told the male recruiter it would completely pay off her student debt. Solving her problem became the recruiter’s goal. She simply asked, “Is there any way I might be able to get a bigger sign-on bonus because it would make my decision final.”

To make this problem solving strategy work, tell your boss you need a raise. Don’t tell him what your personal problem is, just that you need to make more money. Ask him what can you do that would bring more value to the company that would justify the raise you need.

Some bosses will want to know why you need a raise.  However, answering that question can be tricky. If your boss is highly analytical and judgmental, it would be best to keep the reason private but emphasize it is urgent. If your boss has more of a problem-solving, empathetic personality he might derive great satisfaction in helping you help yourself. The critical issue here is to retain your power and keep your dignity. Never fall into the trap of manipulating your boss by trying to get his sympathy to bail you out.  The frame for every successful collaborative promotion or raise, is that you want to earn more by creating more value.

With the SIX STEPS TO A PROMOTION OR RAISE, I’ve also found there are SIX STEPS TO AVOID.

1. Don’t apologize for asking what it would take to get a raise or bonus.
2. Don’t expect for your work to speak for itself, it never does.
3. Don’t use negative words to challenge the fairness of your boss or company.
4. Don’t manipulate your boss or company by trying to gain sympathy.
5. Don’t ask for what you think you might be able to get. Instead ask what your contribution is worth and how you can make it worth more.
6. Don’t accept any offer in the moment. Give yourself a chance to reflect.

The bottom line. Unless something dramatic happens, pay inequality is likely to persist for another 50 years.  So…

• Be proactive – set a goal and make a plan to achieve it.
• Educate yourself on what you deserve.
• Ask for a promotion so that you can do more for your employer.
• Your current job is not your career. Loyalty to your employer is overrated. The highest paid people job hop. Create options.
• Take control of your financial future.

I challenge you to use these SIX STEPS to become great at what you desire to be great at and get paid for it. Here’s to many promotions and raises in your future! 

We live in an age of moral dyslexia. Over the last 40 years, we’ve systematically created an economy that both favors people who don’t need any more favors and disadvantages people who have no advantages.
 
The truth is one of the most disadvantaged groups in America are single mothers. And it’s not just because it’s hard to raise children alone. It’s also because the rising demands of work, miserly wage gains and cost of childcare create a 10 ton anchor that sink the hopes, dreams and health of millions of mothers every day. In a minute I’m going to share with you five proven ways to increase you’re worth, your opportunities and your wages at work but first I just want you to consider the following.
 
The Wall Street Journal just reported research, (Why You Work for a Giant Company, April 7, 2017) that confirms that over the last 30 years inflation adjusted pay for the highest paid workers has risen by over 40%. But pay for the lowest paid workers has fallen 41%. This trend is found in companies of all sizes. But in very large companies mid level workers are also seeing their pay shrink relative to inflation while the well-paid top-tier leaders enjoy double digit gains.
 
These trends are troubling for women in the workforce because in most companies women are stuck in the middle or in lower level jobs. Stagnant pay for women with children is an extreme problem because daily childcare for two children costs more then the medium rent in all 50 states! I know, it sucks.
 
And, it’s extremely hard to get a top job without being married to your work. Harvard’s school of Public Health recently reported that:
 

• 2/3’s of working age adults work overtime or on weekends.
• 30% of us work while on vacation.
• 65% of us monitor and respond to email after work hours because we’re expected to.
• and 20% of us report high levels of emotional exhaustion known as burn-out.

 
That makes raising a family while trying to accelerate your career extremely challenging.  
 
Just for a minute I want you to consider what it might be like trying to be a successful working mother, or single mother, swimming in our shark infested economy. In my experience, most of these women suffer in silence, give all they’ve got, and are increasingly viewed as disposable employees in the new world of data-driven, strategic talent strategies. This is a trend in HR circles where companies pay their stars like royalty and everyone else like peasants.
 
Is this really the best we can do?
 
 No, of course not but it’s going to take an army of female business leaders to change the social Darwinism celebrated in most corporations, and create pro-growth cultures in which every employee’s capabilities are valued and intentionally developed.
 
I spend a great deal of effort working with senior officers to help them see the business value of the women who are stuck in the middle of their organizations. In that process, I have learned what senior leaders really value and what they will pay a premium for. This list is just as valid if you work for a tiny company or a huge one. I have used it to help scores of women change their career trajectory and financial success.

1. Become the CEO of Me, Inc. All jobs…and I mean all of them are insecure. You may be getting a W-2 paycheck but your job is still just a “gig.” There is no amount of excellent work that will ensure you have a job with your current employer. I have lived through decades of people losing their jobs due to mergers or divestitures that they have no control over. The wisest way to look at your current job is to behave as if it is a consulting engagement. A successful consultant is constantly connecting their daily work to the CEO strategy and their bosses’ priorities. You do this by verbally communicating that you get “it.” It is what’s strategically most important to the people who control organizational resources and your job opportunities.  Make it a point to let everybody know that you get “it.” 
    
2. Demonstrate that you understand and make decisions that will add to your employer’s growth and profitability. Advocate for the company’s financial success. Research has shown that employees are judged to be high potential when they consistently verbalize both the financial drivers of the enterprise. This is especially important for women because bias research confirms that most males assume that most females don’t get the big picture and don’t understand what is necessary to profitably grow. (They still unconsciously think your primary job is to be a secretary and get coffee for the smart guys.)
    
3. Take 100% responsibility for your relationship with your boss.  IBM’s research shows that people who get ahead are the people who spend the most time with their boss.  They also reported that low-power people tend to avoid high-power people because of feeling stressed by the difference in power. Don’t give into that. Fast-rising employees interact with their boss every day! The primary reason this works is that it helps you stay aligned with your boss’ priorities and enables you to demonstrate your capabilities.  When talking to your boss demonstrate confidence by using descriptive language rather than emotional language. Talk about what’s really happening and what actions you are taking to make things better. Ask for a raise or promotion when needed or deserved using these techniques. Make recommendations with fact-based arguments rather than just voicing your opinions or over-describing the problem.  All good consultants are terrific problem solvers.
    
4. Ask for feedback on your performance. Most men are reluctant to give women feedback because they’re afraid they will trigger emotions and raise questions they don’t want to deal with. Research shows that this significantly dampens the opportunities for women because it’s difficult to improve without feedback. The best way to request feedback is to simply ask:

   (1) What am I doing that’s adding the most value right now?
   (2) What can I improve that would have the most positive impact.
   (3) Is there anything I should stop doing?

   Google’s internal research confirms that their most outstanding employees ask the boss these questions once a week. It doesn’t take a formal sit-down to have this conversation. If you have it frequently it normally takes 5 to 10 minutes. Imagine how fast your improvement will accelerate if you’ve got a steady stream of actionable feedback. This will also make it easier for your boss to give you more important assignments.
    

5. Tell your boss what your career goals are.  Don’t wait for your boss to ask you.  Ask for his or her advice and confidently request opportunities that are at the edge of your current capabilities. Let your boss know that you would really value their sponsorship or support in taking on new and higher impact challenges. If you are being overlooked for important assignments, ask what it would take to get them. If you get a vague answer, you probably need a new boss. Remember you are running your career as CEO of Me, Inc.

Not all clients are good clients. Sometimes you have to fire a client to get a better opportunity.  And sometimes you have to “fire” your boss to push your career to the next step.
 
The bottom line.

• The world of work is getting increasingly imbalanced. Don’t expect to be treated fairly or compassionately.  You simply have to create your own future.
• There are 5 specific proven strategies that will help you become more valued by your employer. Use them.
• Be prepared to job hop. In consulting, I have found the optimal time for an engagement with one client is 2 to 3 years. After that my impact and contribution seems to be less valued. That same time spent seems to be the new “tour of duty” for ambitious employees. Since we’re finding ourselves working in the jungle, it seems best to swing from tree to tree if you want to climb to the top! 

All this may seem like a lot…even overwhelming. But the future of work is going to be very challenging especially for mothers and single mothers. Don’t wait for the world to change. Take charge of your future.

Do you consider yourself lucky? Did you know that some people are actually far luckier than others? Do you believe you could become luckier?

Researcher Richard Wiseman, The Luck Factor, used social experiments to identify why some people have consistently more positive opportunities than others. These are the people we consider lucky. Wiseman discovered that the old idea of carrying a rabbit’s foot in your pocket to improve your luck actually works… on one condition.

You have to believe the rabbit’s foot will make you lucky and that belief has to change your behavior. Of course, it’s not the rabbit’s foot but your inner optimism that creates good fortune.

There are four human behaviors that create luck and a stream of positive opportunities.

1. Constantly Scan for Opportunity Relevant to Your Values and Goals

You must be careful what you wish for. Your wishes create a mental filter that focuses your attention and actions that you believe will lead to wish fulfillment. You see, in our daily lives we are overwhelmed with stimulation. What we see, read, and the people we interact with create so much mental data that we are constantly sorting for threats and opportunities. Unlucky people are extremely threat sensitive, so much of their behavior is to avoid uncertain situations.

This is a problem because new opportunities typically arise dressed in a costume of uncertainty. Fortunate people tend to be smart risk takers. This simply means that when you were presented with the potential opportunity you figure out a “baby steps” strategy that enables you to keep moving toward the opportunity without taking big leaps of faith or reckless risks. So, we make our own luck first by filtering new information for personal opportunity.

2. Pursue Opportunities that Fulfill Your Values

Only pursue opportunities that are consistent with a vision of your future self that fulfills your values and ideals. Everyday people are offered jobs that they are capable of doing that will make them miserable. At the time you are offered such a job you might feel lucky but you’re not. If you are not clear on your ideal future you’re much more likely to be whipsawed by random chance that will ultimately leave you frustrated and exhausted. Your ideal future is fundamentally found at the intersection of your happiest life and most successful career. (And it’s important to recognize that many of us have careers that don’t pay money. Many women have a lifelong career of child raising, nurturing and community volunteerism that is both valuable and fulfilling. 

Unpaid work becomes a career when you dedicate yourself to become excellent at whatever you are investing your mental, emotional, and physical energy into.) Your values determine what’s most important to you. It is that foundation of how you define opportunity. Determining your own values requires self reflection and conversations with people whose only agenda it is to help you become clear on what your soul desires. 

Throughout our life we encounter many well intended “coaches” such as parents, teachers, and friends who are telling us how we should live and what we should do. But you are not here to live someone else’s life. It’s up to you to sort through all the advice you’ve been given and to examine your inner moral compass to get a vision of a life you won’t regret. The path to achieve the vision will be rocky, poorly marked, and you’ll hike up, and descend your life’s path, like following an overgrown mountain trail. Nevertheless progress can only be made through continued movement.

3.  Forward Movement and Creative Grit

What lucky people do is consistently and thoughtfully act on opportunities that are aligned with their future self vision. When they get off track or find themselves lost in a pool of frustration they consult their inner compass and keep moving.

Forward movement is essential because once you decide you are willing to take smart risks to achieve your ideal life the final ingredient to good luck becomes creative GRIT. Grit requires effort.

According to “end of life” research, virtually everyone who gets to their final chapter feeling deeply fulfilled has achieved fulfillment through grit.  If your dream is based on turning your values into a vision of your ideal future…  just don’t give up.

4. Tell People Your Dreams

Finally, continue to tell people your dreams. Wiseman found that the greatest opportunities people get is from strangers. Your circle of family and friends probably already know what you want or perhaps even have a different idea about what you should want. The people who can give you new opportunities are people who don’t know your deepest desires for your life and your work. These may be people you already know or people you need to meet. Either way they will only become aware of how they can link you to new opportunities and people who can help you when they understand your big desires.

The bottom line.

 Lucky people do indeed have more opportunities to find personal fulfillment.

1. They constantly scan for new opportunities.
2. They screen their opportunities through their the deeply held, self-selected personal values and vision.
3. They pursue their visions with Grit.
4. They tell everyone, at least one new person a day, what they desire for their life and their career to multiply their positive opportunities

So where are you right now? If you have a clear enough picture of your ideal future tell someone new what you’re trying to accomplish.  Don’t expect immediate miracles.  Challenge yourself to tell one new person a day for the next 100 days and see what happens.

Seriously, if you are clear enough on what you want, start talking to the wisest people you know. Talk to people who are living and working in a way that you want to live and work.  Talk to people who don’t have a specific agenda for you. The good news is that you don’t have to be crystal clear on your ideal future, just clear enough to start climbing your way up your trail of life.

Our future needs the life you most want to live. The greatest gift you can give is to pursue your best life.

Working for a bad boss is a nightmare. It is so bad that 35% of women working in technology companies say they would pay to have their boss fired!

It’s true that about one-third of people in management positions are grossly incompetent at management and leadership. That’s according to worldwide research from Zenger-Folkman and Google.

Like most problems the indicators of it are the path to the solution. You know you have a bad boss when:

• Your daily priorities are constantly changing.
• You are swamped with fire drills and rework.
• You have a hard time connecting your work to your organization’s strategic goals.
• You get little, useful feedback.
• Your boss isn’t accessible and is usually overstressed.
• You are frequently overlooked for work you’re qualified to do.
• You’re assigned too much work with too few resources to be accomplished in too little time.
• Your boss has little interest in your growth and development.
• You are frequently held accountable but rarely empowered.

The three major underlying drivers of bad bosses are incompetence, stress and bias. These are also limitations of good bosses when they are not at their best. So if you want to do consistently satisfying work it’s essential that you take control of your work-life.

In my last blog I laid out personal behaviors that reduce gender bias. The principle behind reducing the effects of unconscious bias against you and dealing with an incompetent boss is the same. It’s simply to be proactive.  When you are proactive you assume control in an unfair or chaotic relationship. You literally become self empowered.

The tool is the SMART Power Self-Empowerment Checklist.

It works like this.

You take control by asking 7 questions. Management research conducted by Google informs us that there are seven critical questions you must know the answers to that enable you to do consistently good work.  Using these questions are your path to both success and satisfaction.  So when your boss gives you a task, here are the questions to ask. Don’t accept the task until they are answered. They are:

1. What’s the goal? What is the desired result? How will it be measured? How will you define success?
2. Why is it important now? How does it support the organization strategy?
3. Who is responsible for the overall success of the project your task may be supporting? Do they know they are responsible?
4. What is the deadline? Are there measurable milestones and regular progress reports?
5. What resources are needed? Are they available?
6. How will decisions being made? Who will make them?
7. What exactly is my role and my responsibility? Do others already know or will I have to tell them?

So, can you imagine having a management conversation with your boss using those questions?  It might be uncomfortable at first because in most organizations formal management was done away with in the 1990s. Organizational engineers thought it could be replaced with email. They were wrong. In most companies I consult with management is a lost art. Fire drills and chaos are the norm. Blame and excuse making swirl like constant tornadoes.

Too often I hear from senior leaders that what is lacking is accountability. But it is impossible to have accountability without empowerment. And you cannot be empowered without knowing the answers to those seven questions.

It is unlikely your manager will provide you those answers when you are assigned a task. So it’s up to you to ask for those answers.

Using the seven questions as a checklist will make your work life better. Bad bosses will quit overloading you with work because you will make it difficult for them to just toss tasks at you. When they try to, make sure to tell them that you need those questions answered in order to be successful and accountable. More importantly, good bosses we’ll see that you have leadership potential.  This will lead to more important and more satisfying work assignments.

If your a woman who wants to get ahead who has a boss who loves to shoot from the hip and get into action make sure you tell them that you only have seven questions. When you present a finite checklist to an alpha male they will usually turn completing the checklist into a goal. They want to know that your list is finite.  Thus answering the seventh question becomes the goalpost. (Gender research reveals that most men are frustrated by never-ending questions and requests from women.  However completing a checklist from either men or women energizes most men.)

The bottom line.

You are in charge of your work life.  Take control of it. If you are consistently overworked or find yourself doing work that doesn’t matter please experiment with the 7 question Self-Empowerment Checklist. It will give you more opportunities to do good work with good people.

“Let me tell you what I see is happening and why it isn’t working for me.” 

That’s it. That’s the phrase.  And this is why you need to use it… Most of us choose language that is either direct or indirect.

Direct Language

Brain research reveals that direct language often generates a defensive response in competitive personalities. There are a lot of people that just don’t want to be told what to do.  So, if they experience your language as an order for them to follow, it triggers the fight response in their amygdala brain center.  Telling people they must do this, or they have to do that, often generates resistance or fear based compliance. It’s simple. Insistence triggers resistance. 

Direct language can also trigger the flight response in people who perceive themselves as having low power. Low power people also don’t like being told what to do. The way most low-power people maintain a sense of inner security is to adopt a passive aggressive strategy with authoritarian personalities.

Indirect Language

Indirect or passive aggressive communication is loaded with blame, excuses, claims of unfairness and victimhood. The classic response is a young teenager ordered to comply with some restriction on their freedom, then blows up in screams of angry blame and withdraws to sulk. 

The “teenage response” is not limited to teenagers. In any asymmetrical relationship, where one person wields power with authoritarian insistence, the other person will find defensive ways to cope. This is true at home or at work.

Low power people, or people who are conflict-intolerant, tend to create conditions under which resentments flourish. At the extreme, these perpetual peacemakers will endure continuous psychological stress. Often their inner voice will become viciously self-critical. The terrible consequence of living or working in a condition of powerlessness is often clinical depression or self- comforting addictions ranging becoming a shopaholic, workaholic or alcoholic. In my experience, people who end up trapped in low power relationships at work or home are not intrinsically week willed.

Virtually everyone is conscious of their important values and have legitimate wants and needs.  It is normal to desire autonomy and respect. Unfortunately, research reveals that people who have strong desires for belonging and interpersonal harmony use words and body language that invite strong-willed people to discount the desires of people who have a higher value for human harmony.

Research points to the root difference between people who wish to dominate, and people who wish to harmonize, is that harmonizer’s have a more highly developed brain capacity for empathy. They have stronger and more complex neural networks to read people’s tonal emotions, facial expressions, and words that make them highly sensitive to disapproval or conflict.

High empathizers also tend to look for ways they can help others achieve their goals rather than focus on their own.  Often, they unrealistically hope for reciprocity without having to ask for it. High empathizers often create personal communication patterns that invite dominance and reduce their power. Here are some of the ways:

They’re not clear on their own desires or goals. They spend so much time trying to help other people achieve their goals they project themselves as being need-less and want-less.  This invites others to take advantage of them.
 
They over-use qualifying language. They say things like… “It seems to me that…”or…”would you consider…” or “ what would you think of…” Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with using indirect language that invites others to offer their opinions, or objects to your point of views when you’re dealing with lots of uncertainty.  However if indirect language becomes your predominant way of communicating your preferences, opinions and recommendations, you will find yourself feeling very weak.
 
They’re reluctant to give feedback. Ironically, high empathy people are often not very good developing others.  People need feedback to grow and improve. But the anxiety of giving people needed feedback most often leads to avoidance and ultimately weakens the relationship.
Aggressive communicators also have their share of problems. Frequently they become perceived as jerks that care only about themselves and their agenda. They develop enormous blind spots that often ultimately lead to social isolation, superficial relationships, loneliness and failure.

Cognitively Accurate Language

The answer is to learn how to communicate your TRUTH with RESPECT. 

Telling the truth means that you are to communicate your whole truth…even the parts of the situation that make you feel uncomfortable. No sugar coating. Telling your whole truth is the foundation of trust. All high functioning relationships are lubricated with the oil of trust.

Respect means that you stay calm and use cognitively accurate language to describe the situation, the behavior, and its consequences that you observe, rather than attacking the person’s character.  Respect means saying, “chronically being late to our meeting frustrates the team” rather than “you’re always late because you’re so disorganized and flaky.”

Cognitively accurate language describes your experience of another person’s behavior. That is why it is respectful. Language that labels the character of another person is volatile and creates instability.  

Using more cognitively accurate language is critical to finding the higher path between aggressive and indirect communication styles.  Cognitively accurate language enables you to say very difficult things without generating an explosive response from others. While nothing works one hundred percent of the time with one hundred percent of people, research is clear that peoples’ brains become extremely emotionally agitated when they feel attacked by unfair labels.  But cognitively accurate language that describes your experience of the situation is much more likely to generate a positive discussion because it doesn’t trigger emotional defenses. 

The Swiss Army knife of cognitively accurate language is the phrase I opened with. I invite you to try it today.  There is something going on right now in your life that involves another person’s behavior that is not producing the results you expected. Perhaps you’ve been avoiding that difficult conversation because you “just don’t want to get into it.”  But are you willing to live with the consequences if nothing changes?  If not, it’s time to try out the phrase… “ Let me tell you what I see is happening and why it’s not working for me”…. and then describe with cognitive accuracy what you are experiencing and the impact that it’s having on you. Don’t sugarcoat it and don’t dramatize it. Just describe it. 

I urge you to try this phrase out with someone you consider reasonable. Some of you might consider this approach a bit bold because you rarely ask for what you want. If you use this phrase with people where there is already a good level of trust, I think you’ll find it is very empowering.  As you get used to communicating your truth with respect, you can try it out with more difficult people. However, you will find some people who are incredibly aggressive and resistant to listening to your experience of their behavior.  For these people you will need to do a work-around. You’ll need to figure out how to minimize your dependence on their behavior and emotional engagement. 

The bottom line.

1. Try the simple power phrase… “Let me tell you what I see is happening and why it’s not working for me…” 
2. Use cognitively accurate language describing the behavior that isn’t working and its impact on you. 
3. Problem solve. 
4. Ask for what you want. Tell them that you would “prefer it if they would do…”
5. Invite them to offer suggestions about how to meet your needs. But don’t settle for an excuse or a delay. If that’s what is offered go back to the phrase. “Let me be clear, this isn’t working for me. We need to fix this now.”  You can be clear, calm and respectful.  You can also expect results. 

You have too much to offer to be marginalized by the bad habits of others. We all need you to make your difference. So don’t get bogged down by the bad habits of overly aggressive people. Emotional liberation is a powerful feeling.