Here are three ways to improve the circulation of ideas through useful conversation — and increase the likelihood of successful negotiations at the same time.

Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of conversing with a number of the world’s great leaders. These conversations have not only yielded substantial information, but have been instructive on how to have a productive, enjoyable, and memorable conversation.

Through these talks, I began to see that the delivery of the conversation is as important as the content itself, and that natural curiosity in others is one of the most valuable traits a person can have.

 The good news is that this skill can be acquired.

I remember one of my first bosses, a senior corporate executive. I was incredibly frustrated because he had the habit of starting every meeting with at least 10 minutes of small talk before getting down to business. In my inexperience, I thought this was a useless waste of time.

I finally caught the strategy. During the introductory banter, he was building bridges that he could cross when the talk became more specific and detailed — maybe even heated. He was creating mutual trust through his natural curiosity in others.

The Queen of England, clocking in as the world’s longest reigning head of state, was to me by far the best purveyor of the art of conversation. Having had the opportunity to talk with her on many occasions over several years, I was flabbergasted at how she had honed the skill to perfection.

“Jim,” she would say, “what do you think about the increasing use of computers today?” (After I had arranged for one to be given to her from the American people for her personal use.) “What’s in that drink you’re having tonight? Tell me about it…” commenting on what I had ordered when she took us to dinner at Trader Vic’s in San Francisco.

It could be anything. Trivial or significant. It was, however, always focused on me — as if I were the important one. She never, ever talked about herself or complained about anything. The focus was always on the other person and delivered as if she were really interested in my answers.

George and Barbara Bush had similar skills. They were expert at deflecting attention from themselves. I remember telling her she was doing a great job as First Lady — which was true. I wanted to tell her why I thought so. 

She would have nothing of it. She immediately started asking me about my daughters and how they were doing in school. In this case, I had started the conversation about her and she miraculously turned it back to me!

George Bush had these skills as well, and is famous for his prolific letter writing and verbal communicating. Have a look at these letters and you see a person intent on showing interest in his subjects rather than himself.

Have you ever had a conversation and later realized that during the talk no one asked any questions about each other? There is a serious cost when leaders pay little attention to others. If you lack the ability to define the person, it is much harder to negotiate with him or her and conclude with a positive outcome. Here are three ways to improve the circulation of ideas through useful conversation:

1. Extreme self-centeredness is crippling and can result in the failure of effective communication

People don’t change their personalities and narcissistic tendencies all that easily. The first step though, is to recognize the price we pay for insufficient interest in others. Lost business deals, failed governmental negotiations, poor personal relationships, and doomed marriages can be costly if we do not at least attempt a sincere level of interest in other people. 

Admit the problem is the beginning of the solution. Becoming an outward-facing person with genuine interest in others does not happen overnight, but there are a few key skills that will help move you in the right direction. Becoming more interested in the views of others than in your own opinions makes life more interesting at the most personal level — and more successful when the stakes are bigger.

2. Conduct thorough due diligence on the other person

Prepare yourself for any discussion, meeting, or negotiation by researching the background and life details of the person with whom you are meeting. If you do not do this, you may be walking in blind to a situation that could waste time for everyone because you are ignorant of what the other person is bringing to the table.

This research is easy to conduct online. Once the meeting starts, you can deploy the information strategically to show that you took the time to learn more about the individual prior to the meeting. When I worked in the White House, we prepared President Ronald Reagan with extensive briefing books about the people with whom he was meeting. We also produced videos illustrating how the other leaders walked, talked, and conducted themselves in various situations.

This brought a high degree of texture to the person being profiled and contributed to the success of many bi-lateral meetings. You may not be the President, but you can utilize the same principles and access a good deal of data about the individuals in your meeting.

3. Let the questions roll

When I am meeting someone for the first time, I put my curiosity to work. I usually ask them where they were born and brought up. Do they have siblings? How long have they worked in their current capacity and how
did they get into it? People are usually flattered by you asking these questions — if they are sincere.

Ask these questions because you’re genuinely interested in hearing the answers. If you are listening carefully, you can suggest a follow up, and soon you’ll gain their confidence. Most people like to talk about themselves and will not find it difficult to tell you helpful personal stories, if you ask the right way. These insights are indispensable in negotiation.

Have a question you’ve always wanted to ask about speechmaking? Email James Rosebush your questions and he’ll publish them each week: jsrosebush@growthstrategy.us

www.GrowthStrategy.us

SPEAKING WITH IMPACT
Each week, speech coach and leadership mentor James Rosebush will answer a question on how to improve your public speaking.

This week, Mark Percy, President, and CEO of CLA Orange County, asks: “Collaboration is essential to get anything done these days. How can you authentically connect to your audience to help further this goal?”

Dear Mark,

Great question, and crucially related to today’s disruptive and partitioned culture. There are active and destructive forces wanting to divide communities, businesses, families, and schools. The public speaker is a leader and has an opportunity to enlighten, lead, and unify. Although diverse opinion is essential, unity around a standard premise or goal is critical to getting anything done. This particular public speaking skill is also equivalent to living productively. Let me propose three things a speaker can do.

1. Approach the podium with a genuinely open mind, lack of prejudice, and appreciation for everyone in the audience, regardless of their opinions or beliefs. The audience will feel any baggage you carry when you stand in front of them, so keep it light!
2. Be thoroughly educated and get briefed on the views, attitudes, and opinions of those in your audience. There is no excuse for not knowing who you are speaking to.
3. Decide ahead of time that you will not show any anger or react adversely, despite your audience throwing these emotions at you. Don’t take their poison!
4. Commit yourself to leave the audience inspired, and even if not unified, then at least appreciative of each another. You might end your speech by saying how much you’ve enjoyed being together and that your collective strength rests in your ability to work together. Then, thank them for their efforts — on any point or issue you feel will resonate. Respect them!

How do other readers of this column feel about creating a sense of collaboration with an audience? Comment below.

SPEAKING WITH IMPACT
Each week, speech coach and leadership mentor James Rosebush will answer a question on how to improve your public speaking.

Barbara Bellafiore, CEO, Bell Media, asks: “What is the best way to begin or end a speech to an audience with differing levels of technical expertise?”

Dear Barbara,

Great question! The first thing is to make a connection and build a bridge to your audience. You need them to trust you. Start with a little story, perhaps about the use of a technical skill you have, and how you applied it to a situation — and what happened as a result. It might even be about failing in that attempt. This will make you seem human, adaptive, and available to your audience — and a little vulnerable as well.

This is your warm-up — gain their confidence first. Then, explain that you’ll be speaking about some technical terms and apologize in advance for possibly overreaching. Reassure your audience that you’ll be happy to stay around afterward to explain anything to people who want to learn more. You don’t need to dumb down your content, but make sure you use words and communicate in ways that the audience can relate to.

I remember one time, listening to a speech about systems integration by a brilliant and fast-talking woman who impressed me for her intellect, but left me reeling from her vocabulary — which was almost exclusively, new, made-up terms. I was impressed with her intelligence and my lack of it. I don’t think she cared much about relating to her audience. It seemed more about a show of superiority for her. Don’t fall into that trap. Relate to the audience around your perceived knowledge level they possess — and learn as much as you can about them before you craft your remarks. Then you are sure to win them over and educate them at the same time. Good luck!

SPEAKING WITH IMPACT
Each week, speech coach and leadership mentor James Rosebush will answer a question on how to improve your public speaking.

Lynda Webster, CEO of The Webster Group, asks: “I consider myself a decent speaker, but I get a little flustered when people I know, such as my husband or close business colleagues, are in the audience. How do I overcome this? “

Lynda, you are not alone! We all feel this way. Sometimes when my wife is in the audience, I think that she’s the only one I need to impress — because if I don’t do my best, I’ll hear about it all the way home on the plane!
To want to please is a good thing. It helps us stay alert and on our toes, and to be competitive makes us better speakers. Now let’s stop right there because we don’t want our self-consciousness to get in the way of an excellent presentation. Yes, we can certainly feel inhibited when people we know are in the audience.

The best antidote for this problem is to become more immersed in the content of your speech. Try and forget about the physical space you’re standing in. Get yourself lost in what you’re saying and increase your energy and enthusiasm levels around your subject matter. This technique is a “germ-blocker” for the encroaching insecurity you may feel. Try raising the level of your voice, too, and say to yourself (as Margaret Thatcher once told me): “OK, you can do this!”

Have a question you’ve always wanted to ask about public speaking? Email James at JSRosebush@impactspeakercoach.com and your answer may feature here.

SPEAKING WITH IMPACT
Each week, speech coach and leadership mentor James Rosebush will answer a question on how to improve your public speaking.

Bruce Bond, CEO of Common Ground, asks: “How do I approach a skeptical or antagonist audience on a controversial topic?”

Dear Bruce,

What a timely question and one that perplexes many speakers today. As a speaker, you have a dual role, and you must function on both to make your speech work. First, you must thoroughly know and understand your content and material, and you need to know all aspects and points of view related to it. When you create a thesis for your talk, interview yourself, as if a journalist was questioning you and give yourself some tough questions. In this way, you’ll be vetting your material, turning it over, and considering it from different perspectives.

This is critical because there are always many different viewpoints on almost any topic. Don’t assume you only need to know your point of view. That is why there is so much anger in discourse today. We generally only take the time to establish and confirm our points of view and don’t educate ourselves on other ways of seeing the world. If you want to have a successful experience on stage, follow this advice.

The second tip is to know your audience. Get a briefing from your host on who might be in the audience. Do they reflect regional concerns? Do they represent specific age groups or educational levels? You’ll want to adjust your presentation material based on what you know about them. To build a bridge to your audience and to bring down any barrier between you, you must love your audience.

If you think you’ll meet some hostility or resistance, remember that there is something good in every audience and each individual listening to you. Don’t return hostility with hostility. Your job as the speaker is to represent your material capably, appreciate your audience and the effort they’ve made to come and hear you, and leave it at that.

Have a question you’ve always wanted to ask about public speaking? Email James at JSRosebush@impactspeakercoach.com and your answer may feature here.

SPEAKING WITH IMPACT
Each week, speech coach and leadership mentor James Rosebush will answer a question on how to improve your public speaking.

Preston Beale, CEO of GORP.com, asks: How can I get ready for spontaneous speaking if asked to step up to the microphone unexpectedly?

Dear Preston,

Yes, this is a major fear — to be called to the podium to make  spontaneous remarks for which you are not prepared.  This will happen to all of us at one time or another. There are two answers. 

In one scenario you are called up to make a comment or to reply to a specific situation or issue. When this is the case the solution is: always listen and respond contextually.  That is, your remedy and topic is easily at hand if you have been listening and are attentive to the topic being shared. Your comments would be within the context of the general subject.  

The second solution is what I call the “read the newspaper every day” remedy.  I always train my students to scan their regular newspaper or newsfeed every morning. If you do, you will always have something to say.  You might start by saying “I was thinking about the fascinating story of a Chinese entrepreneur who is fighting for the right to introduce crypto currency in Asia and how this applies to our own economy.” 

This information could be taken right from what you scanned and could prove topical and interesting, and score you points for knowing a little more than your audience. You are giving something to them. It will keep them focused and satisfied.  You’ll be amazed at how many people do not read the news and at how much material you can gain from reading it yourself!

Have a question you’ve always wanted to ask about public speaking? Email James at JSRosebush@impactspeakercoach.com and your answer may feature here.